Although bikini-clad pole dancers may be standard fare for beer commercials, French viewers of the new Orangina commercial think sexing up the animal kingdom is taking it a little too far. The audience was shocked by scenes of Orangina “…exploding between the thighs of zebras and squirting onto the breasts of other animals…” and phoned in numerous complaints after the commercial was aired during an episode of “How to Look Good Naked.” One children’s charity says the commercial sends mixed messages to kids, but one has to ask, why are they watching “How to Look Good Naked,” anyway?

Anyone hoping for a Nordic sperm donor may have to hop a plane to Mexico thanks to a US embargo on European tissues, including sperm. As one frustrated recipient noted, “I wanted a baby that looked like me and wanted to share my heritage with my baby. Now I have a beautiful Viking baby, which is what I wanted. I was hoping to give her a full sibling.” Although American labs are claim the possibility mad cow could be transmitted through sperm are nil, the government has no plans on lifting the ban that’s been in place since 2005 to prevent the spread of the destructive brain disease. So much for perpetuating the next Aryan generation…Any Danish bars in the neighborhood?

Pamela Anderson might not be a great swimmer in real life but she played one on TV, and now she wants to practice a little mouth-to-mouth on America’s Olympic fave, Michael Phelps. “Swimmer’s bodies are the best and he is the best of the best. He really is. It’s the way he shakes his arms out before he jumps in the pool. . .” Sure, he’s sporting a skin-tight suit and she’s looking at his arms. Who knows, maybe he’s in the market for a couple of flotation devices.

Sure, Forrest Gump got a packed house for his ping-pong match, but for the ladies of table tennis, it’s time for a makeover. “We are trying to push the players to use skirts and also nicer shirts, not the shirts that are made for men, but ones with more curves,” noted the VP for the International Table Tennis Federation. Citing tennis players’ combos of sport and style and, let’s face it, incredible amounts of attention paid to the leggy beach volleyball gals, the federation is trying to avoid this year’s half empty stands for future events. If high school women’s sports teams wore Catholic school girl skirts, maybe we wouldn’t need that pesky Title IX law.

As the old song goes, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife,” and John Moloney, mayor of Mt Isa in the wilds of Australia is taking applications. The remote town is the American Old West revisited, populated by cowboys and miners, but not a whole lot of fillies; about 1 in five inhabitants are women. “Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face,” and Moloney believes that’s due to the favorable odds. Domestic violence worker, Shirley Slann — and much of the town — disagrees: “It paints the women here as second rate and suggests the men will settle for anything. I think it’s quite disgusting.” Here’s to diversifying the gene pool.

The fact that a 100 million or so regular folks saw Janet Jackson’s undergarments during Super Bowl XXXVIII’s halftime show could give the singer a little sales boost for her soon-to-be-released lingerie line. Named after a single off her 1986 Control album, the Pleasure Principle collection features 18-pieces of satin and lace creations ranging in size from 32A to 44G. Nipple shields sold separately.

If a flat bum has left you desiring a booty boost, then consider squeezing all your assets into the latest torture device targeted at women willing to sacrifice comfort for butt perkiness. The Ass Bra resembles something you would see in the back room of that seedy store that of course you have never dared enter. Yep, like S&M, only less leather, more lace, spandex and polyester.

Yep, you heard it, all Canadian, all the time, all the way, baby! Well, all Canadian at least 50% of the time is what the new Northern Peaks channel is promising to viewers who have had enough of imported porn. The president of Real Productions described the need for a new channel as “…a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff…There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket.” (Wonder where they’re shopping,,,) The company is definitely ready to roll with 200 films and 75 shows in its Canadian adult library. I wonder if that includes that Canadian oracle of sexual knowledge from Oxygen’s late night line-up…I love her!

Fourteen gold medals will probably land Michael Phelps any number of ladies who drooled over his perfect swimmer’s physique and can look over his arguable butterface (or buttisface?). Phelps Facebook fan page has already seen countless marriage proposals and a number of offers from women offering to serve as “baby mama,” but the legendary swimmer may already have a girlfriend…or two. Rumors point to either fellow Olympic swimmer and Playboy poser Amanda Beard or Gucci, Gap and Burberry model Lily Donaldson. It seems Phelps’ devotion to his sport would steer him towards a lady with an athletic streak, but let’s not forget he is also a rich, famous 23-year-old athlete.

Like Goldilocks in the house of the three bears, sometimes it’s tough to find the one that’s “just right.” Jan Vinzenz Krause, a sex-educator from Germany, though, has been collecting the tools to erect the perfect solution, the spray-on condom. There have been stumbling blocks to prophylactic perfection, which have included testers who were “a little bit afraid to use the tube,” the 2-3 minute dry time and the unromantic hissing noise emitted by the device. While the kinks are being worked out, Krause is focusing his energies on expanding the number of condom sizes to six instead of two and continuing to offer sizing advice via his website. Although selling smaller condoms in stores has been a bust, Krause is optimistic about online sales: “Men on the Web, they are very honest.”

“You’ve come a long way, baby” should be the title for the upcoming Playboy spread of German Olympic athletes, which will include hockey player Katharina Scholz, sailor Petra Niemann, judo competitor Romy Tarangul and canoeist Nicole Reinhardt. The athletes follow in the footsteps of America’s Amanda Beard as well as three British women who posed nude for promotional materials of the Beijing games. Scholz commented that, “For me it was a good opportunity, and maybe when I look back after a few years I will be proud of it…I did it because I am confident of my body and myself.” Maybe it’s time to shoot some more lucrative sponsorship deals the way of women’s hockey.

Disney has come under fire from parents concerned about the sexually suggestive message bedazzled across the front of “High School Musical” underwear. The underoos, targeted at girls as young as seven, have “Dive In” scrawled across the front, but parent can only see the message after opening the undie pack. Disney approved the design before production, but apparently the approval board only includes perverted old men along with Grumpy and Dopey.

The United States Mens Gymnastic team should seriously consider a Playgirl spread–think pommel horse, a bronze medal and not much more. Jonathan Horton, Raj Bhavasar, Justin Spring, Kevin Tan, Joe Hagerty and Alexander Artemev tossed their patriotic spandex tops aside and flexed some impressive muscles after their surprising performance in the team competition. Alexander “Sasha” Artemev definitely rates as my favorite, primarily because he continually looks perplexed, but also because he strives to be a “professional millionaire.” Awesome…and flexible.

The funk that makes women frisky could be altered by the birth control pill, according to scientists at the University of Newcastle in England, and once a woman ceases using it, their preferences could change. Since the pill puts women in a “pregnant” state, which, in an evolutionary sense, does not require a woman to find a mate, women tend to seek men with similar major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes. These stinky genes contribute to immunity function, so offspring may be less able to ward off disease, but another effect could be increased infertility in MHC similar couples. The moral of the story: women on the pill should breathe through their mouths or carry a bottle of Febreeze.

It’s a sad day when the National Enquirer can tell the world “I told you so.” The magazine that has earned a reputation as an unreliable gossip publisher reported back in December 2007 about the alleged affair between then presidential candidate John Edwards and Rielle Hunter. The former North Carolina senator still denies fathering a child with 44-year-old Hunter, but admitted to ABC News that he did indeed carry on an relationship outside his marriage and lied about it repeatedly. Well, there’s one name off Barack Obama’s potential VPs list.

The magazine that surprisingly proved women may actually foster a tiny desire to see z-list celebrities letting it all hang out will shut down its penis printing presses. Playgirl, the infamous glossy that featured the likes of everyone from Tom Selleck to Brian Austin Green to Kato Kaelin, has announced that the January/February 2009 issue will be their last printed edition. The 35-year-old mag will switch to an online-only format to satisfy all your awkward naked men image needs.

The relationship between Verne Troyer and Ranae Shrider apparently featured more than lizard kisses and filming bedroom sex-capades as the man known as “Mini Me” has sued former girlfriend Shrider, alleging intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery. The lawsuit accuses Shrider of picking up the 2′8″ actor and violently tossing him to the floor. Troyer will reportedly seek more than $20 million in damages.

Watch out for what may soon be hiding in Granny’s DVD player… Shigeo Tokuda is part of Ruby Production’s booming porn business for the elderly in Japan. As to how the 73-year-old actor got into the biz, he says “I retired and didn’t have anything to do. This is my second life. I don’t know how long I can keep living, but I want to enjoy the rest of it.” Enjoy it he has in over 200 films. The production company is considering a marketing campaign in retirement homes and has made a deal for US distribution. As to why the movies are so popular, the company president states, “I think our older customers must feel a sense of security by watching videos with an actor who is in the same generation.” I’m waiting for the AARP ads.

Hmm, a Madge and A-Rod sex tape? I’m imagining a lot of grunting and contorted naked yoga moves. Oh, and throw in some Kabbalah water for good measure. A sleezeball cameraman has reportedly popped up at all of London’s trashy glossies trying to sell a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape that he claims to have filmed by using hidden cameras in an apartment frequented by the buff duo for afternoon rolls in the sheets. The cameraman has demanded $2 million for the footage, but legal experts say no one has seen any solid evidence of the tape’s existence, so until then use your imagination and try not to cringe.

Police in Dulwich, England have arrested a 27-year-old man accused of engaging in a little bam chicka wa waa with local sheep. Neighbors in the Chislehurst area had spotted a frisky feller molesting sheep, including a pair of joggers who witnessed the man pulling up his pants near a sheep laying on the grass. With a little CSI investigative skills, cops linked DNA recovered from a pair of jogging shorts discovered at the scene to the suspect. Ewe!

Does identifying oneself as a beast help one duck bestiality charges? Apparently not, as Rodney Scott McLagen — a Tasmanian computer technician — discovered when police found him to be in possession of 31,000 illegal images of bestial acts. The, um, participants in these acts included dogs, snakes, tigers and octopus (boy, you wonder how much someone got paid to do that). Mr. McLagen has difficulty establishing and maintaining normal relationships due to an avoidant personality disorder and was fined $1500 in addition to four years on a community protection register. The judge in the case also noted that the defendant was very self-conscious about his teeth.

The spread of chlamydia amongst frisky koalas carries the risk of decimating a large portion of the marsupial’s population, but researchers may have developed a vaccine that could cure the STD. Queensland University of Technology researchers have seen positive results with a trial vaccine that could prevent further spread of the STD that causes infertility, urinary tract infections and blindness. Who knew cute little Koalas had such a swinging sex life?

If you live in Texas, your daughter needs a high school diploma, and you’re short on cash, give LaVern Jordan at Parkway Christian School a call. His private school can grant diplomas to students without them passing Texas’s daunting TAKS test, and he allegedly has a novel payment plan. The mother, Tamiku Robertson, taped him offering to wave tuition in exchange for sex. Robertson called the local news station and is now suing the school.

Hankerings for a high school sweetheart can pose major risks to current relationships according to California State University, Sacramento psychologist, Nancy Kalish. The overwhelming emotions of adolescence create a special impression in the mind that’s hard to forget, even after almost forty years says Jeannie T., who hooked up with an old sweetheart at her 40th high school reunion. Researchers say that contact with these first loves stimulates the same area of the brain as cocaine, so you may want to rethink skipping out on your spouse’s next reunion.

Good news for the moral majority! In an address to the Australian Students Medical Association, Dr. Robert Sparrow claimed that we could be heading for a sex-free world, though men would be rendered unnecessary. According to the doctor, since there are significantly fewer technological obstacles to overcome for women to reproduce the species and women have a longer life expectancy, then developing stem cell technology has to simply be able to produce sperm. The next step for stem cell research would be to create female hermaphrodites, but until that point the doctor suggests that couples be encouraged to use current technologies to have female children whose futures offer more possibilities. Viva la uterus!